About the Author

Some factoids to give you some sort of idea about who I am.

• I’m fond of saying that I smoke like a fish and drink like a chimney. I like mixed metaphors. This literally means that I do neither, however, which is absolutely untrue- I drink and smoke like a motherfucker.
• Sober, I’m fairly dry and reserved. Drunk, I am a floozy who shouts “woo” a lot, makes out with strangers, and tries to get everyone to sing “Don’t Stop Believin’”. It’s pretty easy to get other people to sing this song with you if they are also drunk.
• I love sex. If I had to choose between never drinking again and never having sex again, I think my head would just explode, negating either option.
• I am risk-averse, and therefore also commitment-averse.
• Most of the time, I’m a little crazy. Occasionally, I’m a lot crazy. I tend to recognize the insanity while it’s happening- see the monologue about the effects of ether in Fear and Loathing for futher explanation on this.
• I’m a (fake) redhead. I wear a size 2, and my measurements are about 34-25-35. I lost a bunch of weight over the past few years, and now that people regularly tell me that I’m super-hot, my ego is un-fucking-real.
• I have an intense dislike of children. I also don’t like short men. Perhaps there’s a connection here.
• I have unnatural fixations on both dinosaurs and space debris. They are unrelated.
• I pride myself on knowing what’s best for other people while completely ignoring my own excellent advice.
• I like to play video games. I’m a huge nerd. Trust me, it’s a bonus.
• Whenever I have makeouts with someone, my chin gets all red and irritated. Those in the know make fun of me for it.
• I’m a self-obsessed narcissist.

Here are some of the favorite things I’ve heard (or heard of) other people say about me:

“You scare the shit out of me.”
“She said you talk like a poet.”
“You are probably the hottest person I’ve ever met.”
“You are absolutely amazing in so many ways. You have an amazing mind on you.”
“Fucking ice queen.”
“NARCISSIST?”

See this post to learn more about past and current sexual partners. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.