LBHF broke up with me last night, 6 days after the anniversary of our first makeout. I am pretty fucking devastated, but then I have been in the throes of a major depression and also didn’t sleep well since I kept forgetting to breathe, so who the hell knows what’s really going on here.
More to come; stay tuned for a pity party of heretofore unseen magnitude.
You can tell, because my Facebook relationship status has been updated to reflect this. If you’re rolling your eyes at that comment, you’re not alone. I’m pretty sheepish about it myself.
Unfortunately, all this has meant that I’ve had to give the Easy Letdown to everyone else. I’m pretty sure I just took care of the last one. I actually hate doing that, because I don’t like being an asshole to people when it’s completely undeserved, and there’s always a feeling of rejection when someone says she prefers the company of others to your exclusive company. Okay, so it doesn’t quite fit, but once I started typing the lyric popped into my head and that was the only way to expel it.
I approach such things with honesty and directness and they tend to go over pretty well, but I still hate turning people down. As much of a bitch as I am, you’d think I’d derive some kind of joy from crushing the souls of hapless men, but I really don’t.
I’m happy about the upgrade, but I’m now working through my own personal terrors about commitment and relationships. So far, I’ve mostly just hyperventilated a lot. Maybe I’m not ready. Am I ready? I think I might be. I don’t know.
Found out yesterday that The Ex is seeing someone new. The way I found out was kind of a blow; I saw the relationship status change in my friends feed on Facebook. Felt like someone had sucker-punched me in the gut. Whenever I think about it, I feel a little like I might throw up.
This leads me to wonder exactly why that is. I was the one that broke up with him, it was months ago, and I have been seeing other people consistently since the breakup. I guess it is hurtful to me that he has taken the whole thing so much better than I have. I have been a huge disgusting mess, and he seems to really have his shit together. I think the breakup may have been one of the best things to have happened to him in years. I don’t feel bad about that.
I also have nothing against the girl he is dating. I have met her before and she is awesome. Lots of fun and a classy dame. In addition to all that, she is heavier than I am and has really bushy eyebrows, which satisfies some spiteful female competitive inclination within me.
Sometimes I suspect that he may have been too good for me from the beginning. I feel weird today.
I think he has problems saying no to me. I tried to get him to go out for a drink with me and some other coworkers yesterday. He evaded and avoided and only when someone else asked him point-blank did he say he wasn’t going to go. He pulls shit like that all the time. I didn’t hear from him at all today. I am really tired of his crap, and really tired of caring about him.
I am going to keep going out with other people and hope that at least one of them will be interesting enough to help me get past this garbage. I was doing okay for most of the day today, but now I am feeling mopey and depressed. This is so damn stupid. I miss his fucking punk ass. I hate that I feel this way. I am so tired of being upset over him. He is not worth a fraction of what I’ve emoted over him. I often wish I had never met him.
Then I realize that if I hadn’t I would probably be unhappily committed to a mediocre relationship for the rest of my life. That motherfucker. I’d like to punch him in the balls to make him double over and then kick him repeatedly in the face while he’s down. Okay, no I wouldn’t. Being this neurotic is a bunch of bullshit. I would like to sucker-punch him in the gut, though.
