State of Your Mama

Greetings, friends, strangers, Romans, and all the rest of you bitches. I know I promised a pity party, but I spent a bit of time wallowing and realized that it would be classless and obnoxious to expose all y’all to all that mess, so I’ve been writing about it in my Journal About My Feelings instead. My sole purpose here is to entertain my now-nonexistent audience, and let’s face it- cliches like “my heart is a vise; I am feral with grief” are entertaining for all of about twelve seconds.

So, I’ll keep that shit to myself and my JAMF, and save the juicy bits for you. Now, to bring everyone up to speed.

LBHF dumped me two weeks and two days ago. We were lying on his sofa watching TV, and he said that something was on his mind. This should have set off warning bells, but it didn’t. The gist of the discussion was that he was concerned that our differences in personalities and religion (!) made us a poor match. We talked about it again a week later, and I told him that I thought our problems could be worked out, but he said he wasn’t sure and needed more time to think about it. We agreed to meet up again in a month.

That was last week, and I’ve spent the time since then in varying cycles of grief, bitterness, numbness, acceptance, and picking up dudes online. Although I do hope that things will eventually work out with LBHF, I’m not holding my breath, and I’m doing my best to make some personal progress in the meantime. Part of that is opening myself up to new options, which means…

I’m dating again. God help us all.

And we’re back

LBHF broke up with me last night, 6 days after the anniversary of our first makeout. I am pretty fucking devastated, but then I have been in the throes of a major depression and also didn’t sleep well since I kept forgetting to breathe, so who the hell knows what’s really going on here.

More to come; stay tuned for a pity party of heretofore unseen magnitude.

We don’t love them hoes

Been a hell of a couple of weeks. I’ve simply been too busy to be overly concerned with most of the crap that drives me to post here. In explanation, I will refer you to yet another of Catullus’s poems- this time, 51:

Otium, Catulle, tibi molestum est:
otio exsultas nimiumque gestis:
otium et reges prius et beatas
perdidit urbes.

Here’s my liberal translation:
Sitting on your ass, Catullus, is what ends up causing your problems;
having nothing to do is what leads you to wallow in carefree hedonism and subsequently totally emo out-
leisure has totally fucked even kings, and ruined great cities.

The gist of it is that angst is a byproduct of not having anything more pressing to do.

Here’s a summary on your usual suspects:
Beercan – is seeing someone! He has a giIiIiIiiirlfriEeEeEEeeeEEnd! He seems really happy, and I am happy for him. We’re on good terms and no longer fucking.

OLB – Well, I thought he’d actually finally given up until I heard from him today:
(02/21 3:11PM) Wanna play tnite?

AFF Waiter – Also popping up from time to time. I am considering giving him another chance, but I’m just not sure. He was really sweaty, which is just gross. Also, the thing with the blinds… eh, who knows.

Dr. Jones – off again, in a big way. Possibly very realistically For Real This Time. Why is that, you ask? Well, I think he’s not entirely comfortable with the way I feel about him, as expressed by way of this blog. “But how, Anterior Motive, could he possibly know that,” you ask? Well, dear reader, because I told him about it. I linked him. “Why on earth, Anterior Motive, would you do such a thing?” Because he asked. Fuck it. Balls to the wall.

Anterior Motive – again, busy as hell. Been “talking to” a few people, but nothing particularly exciting has arisen just yet. This might be because I’m feeling emotionally distant in general, but emotions have caused me nothing but trouble anyway, and I’m not unhappy about being my normal detached self again.

Points-rated post coming soon! Stay tuned!

Done with OLB

Text from AnteriorMotive to OLB (01/22/2009 2:34PM) Don’t feel like lying or making a production, but i’m not interested in taking things further.

UPDATE:

Text from OLB (01/22/2009 3:40PM) Well at least talk to me about it…… Whats the matter?

Text from OLB (01/22/2009 3:50PM) Not fair…….

Tired of OLB

I’m thinkin’ I might need to end things with OLB. Yes, he’s got a phenomenal body, but I just can’t stop thinking about how much I don’t like his stupid face. He’s just generally kind of a douchebag. Hardly seems worth putting up with such a face, despite the level of freakitude he seems to possess. I’m still on the fence at this point.

Beercan: Final Update

Thursday, J expressed some concern about a staff meeting she was asked to attend. Given the state of things these days and the number of people I know who have recently been laid off, I was anxious on her behalf. When I didn’t hear from her after the meeting, and when my phone call to her went directly to voicemail, I imagined that everyone I saw from her area of our office floor looked as though they had been crying. I messaged Beercan just as J was coming online to find out whether he’d heard from her; the first time I’d “talked” to him all day.

1:36 PM Anterior Motive: have you heard from j in the past couple of hours?
1:37 PM Anterior Motive: ah there she is nm

Friday, called in sick to work due to a raging fuckin’ hangover from a late Thursday out with S and another of our coworkers (J stopped by but managed to escape before getting into trouble with us). Had an early afternoon appointment with my colorist that lasted several hours. I didn’t speak to BC at all on Friday.

Yesterday, J told me that BC mentioned to her that he guessed that we were no longer dating, given my spotty communications of the previous couple of days. Easiest. Letdown. Ever.

I just remembered having had some weird dream involving him and his lack of lips last night, but I don’t remember what happened in it.

Here endeth the book of Beercan- probably.

On Moving On

Found out yesterday that The Ex is seeing someone new. The way I found out was kind of a blow; I saw the relationship status change in my friends feed on Facebook. Felt like someone had sucker-punched me in the gut. Whenever I think about it, I feel a little like I might throw up.

This leads me to wonder exactly why that is. I was the one that broke up with him, it was months ago, and I have been seeing other people consistently since the breakup. I guess it is hurtful to me that he has taken the whole thing so much better than I have. I have been a huge disgusting mess, and he seems to really have his shit together. I think the breakup may have been one of the best things to have happened to him in years. I don’t feel bad about that.

I also have nothing against the girl he is dating. I have met her before and she is awesome. Lots of fun and a classy dame. In addition to all that, she is heavier than I am and has really bushy eyebrows, which satisfies some spiteful female competitive inclination within me.

Sometimes I suspect that he may have been too good for me from the beginning. I feel weird today.

This is the end?

There is an old Southern tradition of writing verbose and excessively melodramatic letters when one is upset, and leaving them unsent. Here’s the email I composed today (but have not sent) in that tradition. I guess I’ll sleep on it and decide later whether or not to actually send it.

I think it will be a good thing that you will soon be managing a different team and that our interactions will be limited. It is difficult for me to be in the same room with you right now because of the way I feel. I don’t think it I can even be your friend right now, because I know that I want more than is possible. Trying to be your friend means that I am secretly waiting for you to decide that you want the same things that I do, which is impractical and unfair. It hurts me to see your face or even to hear your voice.

I know that you don’t like to tell me things that you think will be disappointing or frustrating to me, and I’m sure this is in no small part because of the way I have reacted to such things in the past. I feel that you have been trying gently to move past this whole ordeal for some time now, and that I have stubbornly refused to gracefully accept that.

I know that you are trying to smooth things out in your personal life, and I am sorry for any complications I might have caused. Not only should I have known better than to let things reach the point they did, I actually did know better- and I just didn’t make the judgement calls I knew would be wisest.

I am sorry for all the drama and the messiness, and the periods of awkwardness as well. Nearly any contact with you, though, just makes me foolishly hopeful for something more, and I have been through that wringer over and over again these past several months.

I do miss the various things we have shared and am sure that I will continue to do so, but I really feel that the only way that I can stop being so irrational and neurotic is to cut things off with you completely. I know now that I would drop anyone else in a second just to be near you, and that is foolish and naive of me. I don’t believe that it would be possible for me to get past my unhealthy and unrealistic feelings for you without severing any remaining ties with you. I am sorry for the huge mess that I am and all the fuss I have made.

I do not expect a response to this email, but I do hope that you can understand my perspective on this.

I hope that things go well with you and that you get everything you want in life. I love you, and for the millionth time I am sorry.

We haven’t spoken since Thursday. I am avoiding eye contact with him and physically avoiding him as much as possible. I’m told that he may no longer be working directly with me as soon as this week. It seems to have helped a bit, as I have been much less obsessive than usual, but I am sad. I keep hoping that things will miraculously change. I know this is a stupid hope to have.

I am glad to know that I can actually feel deeply for someone else, and that I can be viscerally drawn to another person. I’d wondered many times in recent years whether either of these things was even possible. I am ready to move past this and get on with my life.

I am tired of wallowing in uncertainty and self-pity.