Getting Back Into the Game

Before The Talk with LBHF, in a state of short-lived numb acceptance, I re-activated my Match.com account. I got more than a few hits, and was working on dates with a couple of different dudes, most of whom were not up to my usual standards of hotness/smartness. I quickly realized that my judgment was questionable at best, and that I was not ready to be seeing people again yet, so I deactivated it after about three days. I told the three guys with whom I had made dates that I had just gone through a devastating breakup, was totally insane and in therapy, and that I was still nowhere near ready to be seeing anyone yet.

State of Your Mama

Greetings, friends, strangers, Romans, and all the rest of you bitches. I know I promised a pity party, but I spent a bit of time wallowing and realized that it would be classless and obnoxious to expose all y’all to all that mess, so I’ve been writing about it in my Journal About My Feelings instead. My sole purpose here is to entertain my now-nonexistent audience, and let’s face it- cliches like “my heart is a vise; I am feral with grief” are entertaining for all of about twelve seconds.

So, I’ll keep that shit to myself and my JAMF, and save the juicy bits for you. Now, to bring everyone up to speed.

LBHF dumped me two weeks and two days ago. We were lying on his sofa watching TV, and he said that something was on his mind. This should have set off warning bells, but it didn’t. The gist of the discussion was that he was concerned that our differences in personalities and religion (!) made us a poor match. We talked about it again a week later, and I told him that I thought our problems could be worked out, but he said he wasn’t sure and needed more time to think about it. We agreed to meet up again in a month.

That was last week, and I’ve spent the time since then in varying cycles of grief, bitterness, numbness, acceptance, and picking up dudes online. Although I do hope that things will eventually work out with LBHF, I’m not holding my breath, and I’m doing my best to make some personal progress in the meantime. Part of that is opening myself up to new options, which means…

I’m dating again. God help us all.

Crazy never goes out of style

Whoops.

LBHF came over this evening to keep me company. Somehow, we ended up making out on the sofa, after which we took a shower (I needed to groom myself, as I had not been anticipating such intimate company)

This was a good night.

I called The Submission Wrestler this afternoon to ask if he’d like to go to dinner with me sometime this week. My schedule is somewhat compacted, since it’s already Monday night and I’m planning to go to my hometown for the weekend on Friday night. Although I felt that Saturday had gone really well, I was struck by paroxysms of self-doubt after I left the message about dinner this week, especially when he didn’t call back right away.

I IMed a bit with LBHF late this afternoon, and that left me feeling even crappier. I told him that I missed him, and although it made me feel a bit better to learn that he apparently misses me as well and has been even more miserable than I have been, I was in a pretty crappy mood by about 5pm.

OLB doesn’t take hints

Text from OLB (3/17 4:51PM) Thinkin bout you….

Oh, man

I have been in PMS hell for the past couple of weeks or so. I have a medical condition that makes me pretty irregular, so I can sometimes go months without getting my period- but then when it does show up, it’s a real doozy.

Briefly:

• Been completely ignoring all of the usual suspects except Dr. Jones, to whom I may or may not have declared my undying love in a fit of sobbing. I’ll never tell.
• Ex’s friend is seriously balls-to-the-wall hitting on me. I’m flattered but disinterested. Not sure how best to handle the situation.
• I have decided that I want Ex to die by accidentally being hit by a car being driven by his New Ho.  I am very cranky with both of them for being in love.
• I’ve pretty much quit drinking. I also started running again. It hasn’t made me any stabler, just less likely to commit embarrassing drunktexts.
• I have actively craved french fries for about a week and a half consecutively now. I’ve had them a couple of times.

Summary: I’m a huge mess. At this point, it’s impossible to take myself at all seriously.

I think I’m going to go get McDonald’s.

I’m onto you, bub

Txt from OLB (02/02/2009 8:05AM) Goodmorning beautiful!! xoxo

AFF Waiter pops up like a whack-a-mole

Shortly after my telling C that I was pretty sure he’d given up after our abysmal encounter last week, AFF Waiter texted me tentatively, twice. I’m trying to think of another T-word to further draw out the alliteration, but it’s late and I’m tired.

Anyway, I didn’t respond. I’ve simply got no use for him.

Juxtaposition

The conversations related here are transcribed from texts.

(01/30 6:39AM) OLB: Goodmorning beautiful!! xoxo
(01/30 11:31AM) Anterior Motive: It amazes me that you are even a morning person when your morning starts that early.
(01/30 11:50AM) OLB: It amzes me that i cant get u to come play so that i can smack your ass and choke you while you suck my cock….. ;-)
xoxox still bummed…..

I know that I probably shouldn’t have encouraged him in the first place, as it’s best to make a clean break in such situations. I must confess that I didn’t do so partially because I thought that I might later regret having burned this particular bridge, but now I see that remaining friendly is just not an option. Plus, if you recall, he has an EXTREMELY stupid face.

However, I’d also been texting with Dr. Jones at about the same time, and was struck by the differences between them. He’s currently in Pittsburgh, attending the funeral of a family member of his girlfriend. He’d been texting me to complain about the ice and snow on the roads and how miserable the drive had been, when a coworker who was in the same meeting as I was at the time piped up to mention that Dr. Jones was in Pittsburgh for a funeral and that it was really snowy and icy there. I was amused.

(01/30 11:21AM) Anterior Motive: Are you sending the same txts to me and [coworker] again? ;) thought i was special.
(01/30 11:47AM) Dr Jones: A similar one about the snow, but not the same.
(01/30 11:49AM) Anterior Motive: Just teasing you.
(01/30 11:55AM) Dr Jones: But you are special.

I sighed.

I’m confident in the assertion that I’m pretty tired of being a hoebag party-girl. I removed my profile from AFF last week, and I just feel disgusted at the idea of random NSA raunchy sex. My recent encounters have been just a bunch of worthless douchebags and I think I’m better off on my own.