Dear Dr. Jones

You are in dire need of a haircut.

Busy Day!

Going to a hair appointment shortly,

The Bad News

On the way home from last night’s date, I caught up with S via phone, who was out drinking at our usual spot with M, KC, and The Canadian. They wheedled until I agreed to join them for a glass of wine (I’m off most liquors until the end of next week) and I stopped in. Everyone was already three sheets to the wind when I arrived, and I, having just had dinner with a man that does not drink alcohol, was completely sober. M and KC had been making out with each other, it seems- surprising since they are both girls and I’d recently had an argument with M when she referred to a bisexual mutual acquaintance as “confused”. M and I usually get along pretty well, but…

The other bitches

The Ex is still not really talking to me. I saw him this weekend, when we exchanged some things (he gave me some paperwork and I gave him my key to the loft). He’s going through some shit right now, and I don’t take it personally.

Dr. Jones is also not talking to me. Fuck that guy.

OLB hasn’t popped back up since I ignored his last “goodmorning beautiful xoxo”. Good riddance to him and his freakish full-body stubble.

Mr. Grownup Date is working as much as I am, and we’ve had a hard time coordinating with one another. Now I’m dreading telling him that I don’t want to see him after all.

There’s also some other dude from matchdotcom that’s been emailing me lately, but he seems like kind of a douche. Still not looking forward to telling him to fuck off. He asked if I wanted to get together for a drink, and I haven’t responded.

Ex’s effeminate friend and I were supposed to get together for drinks last week, but I was sick and neither of us emailed or called the other to cancel. He ignores me on forums like Twitter, Facebook, and his blog, but emails intimately- I’m annoyed at this game.

Unusually Tall Indian Guy made a mix CD for me and hinted that he’d like to go out on a date with me, but didn’t actually ask. He also said that I seem tense lately, which caused me to worry for a bit about whether or not I actually am tense, until I recognized the irony of the situation.

Saw Satanist Waiter out with LBHF. It was less awkward than I thought it might be, though it was still a little awkward. He smirked at us.

AFF Waiter texted a couple of weeks ago to solicit me for a FMF threesome. I didn’t respond and haven’t heard back from him.

Abrasive Dude With Whom I Once Worked has been Facebook-messaging me in the middle of the night in attempts to get me to go drink with him. He’s pretty attractive and I’d probably be interested if my attentions weren’t otherwise occupied. A little sad about this one, but I’d feel guilty if I pursued it, I think.

No one else comes to mind- I think this is the full rundown.

Whoops

OLB texted me last night to let me know that he was playing with the other M from our cancelled MMF. I didn’t respond. I briefly considered undumping him on the grounds that he has an amazing body (even though he shaves the whole thing) and is very very naughty, but then I remembered his stupid face and I just couldn’t go through with it.

Of course, the elimination of my other male distractions led to- what else? – Dr. Jones.

See, I have this analogy about my feelings for Dr. Jones, which I gave to J sometime last week. Something that will help you understand this analogy is to know that I really like brie. There is one brie in particular (okay, technically, it’s not a brie, because it’s not made in France) called the Sweetgrass Green Hill. It is a phenomenal fucking brie. I love this brie above all other bries. Occasionally I will go to Whole Foods with the sole purpose of acquiring some Green Hill. Sadly, everyone else also loves Green Hill, so it is often sold out and unavailable. When told at the cheese counter that Green Hill is sold out, I’ll inquire as to when more will come in, and will promptly forget about it until the next time I crave brie and go back to discover that it has been sold out yet again.

I don’t cry when I can’t get Green Hill, and do not need Green Hill to complete my life. I just like Green Hill and try to acquire it when the mood strikes me. When it’s unavailable, I am annoyed as I must go unfulfilled (although sometimes I’ll try another triple-cream soft cheese instead, but it’s never the same and often just disappoints), but my failure to acquire cheese is not an earth-shaking tragedy, and it does not shape my perception of the world.

J rightly called me out for bullshit on this metaphor, and though I didn’t agree with her at the time, I think I have proven to myself that my irrational fixation and desire for Dr. Jones goes far beyond my love for cheese. I feel better when he is in my life; it’s the inevitable subsequent goings-away that really fuck me up.

How I want Dr. Jones to die

(1:00:15 PM) Anterior Motive: help me come up with how i want [Dr. Jones] to die :)
(1:00:18 PM) Gesus: ok
(1:00:24 PM) Anterior Motive: i haven’t thought of anything sufficiently brutal
(1:00:26 PM) Gesus: you don’t want him raped to death?
(1:00:51 PM) Anterior Motive: no
(1:00:56 PM) Anterior Motive: i don’t want him to get any action ever
(1:01:06 PM) Anterior Motive: getting raped to death means he would die happy
(1:01:09 PM) Gesus: ok
(1:01:23 PM) Gesus: how about…
(1:01:38 PM) Gesus: i need parameters
(1:01:44 PM) Gesus: on a scale of 1 to 10, how violent should it be?
(1:01:45 PM) Anterior Motive: no badgers, no popcorn
(1:01:51 PM) Anterior Motive: is 10 the most violent?
(1:01:53 PM) Gesus: yes
(1:01:58 PM) Anterior Motive: 27.
(1:02:00 PM) Gesus: lol
(1:02:01 PM) Gesus: ok
(1:02:25 PM) Gesus: how about this
(1:02:43 PM) Gesus: let him be sectioned to pieces, slowly, while his vital signs and awareness are maintained and heightened
(1:02:46 PM) Gesus: e.g.
(1:02:52 PM) Gesus: a saline iv, plus stimulants
(1:03:03 PM) Gesus: cauterize all the wounds as you cut a piece of him off
(1:03:06 PM) Gesus: start at the extremeties
(1:03:11 PM) Gesus: and cut of a 1 inch long piece of him at a time
(1:03:13 PM) Gesus: cauterize the wound
(1:03:15 PM) Gesus: etc.
(1:03:21 PM) Gesus: over a period of several days
(1:03:23 PM) Anterior Motive: you’ve been watching dexter, huh
(1:03:24 PM) Gesus: while restraining him
(1:03:25 PM) Gesus: yeah
(1:03:26 PM) Anterior Motive: hahaha
(1:03:34 PM) Gesus: too much dexter
(1:03:40 PM) Gesus: or
(1:03:44 PM) Anterior Motive: actually, i am thinking elevator, a la resident evil
(1:03:46 PM) Gesus: you couuld slowly bake him to death
(1:03:49 PM) Gesus: in a pie
(1:03:58 PM) Gesus: with anthrax in the flour in low levels
(1:04:02 PM) Gesus: so that if he tries to eat his way out
(1:04:04 PM) Gesus: it makes him sick
(1:04:15 PM) Anterior Motive: or maybe the elevator decapitation of everyone he loves as he is forced to watch
(1:04:25 PM) Anterior Motive: and then cauterize his anus shut
(1:04:30 PM) Anterior Motive: and forcefeed him their organs
(1:04:33 PM) Gesus: death by sorrow
(1:04:33 PM) Anterior Motive: starting with the eyes
(1:04:35 PM) Gesus: wow
(1:04:38 PM) Gesus: that’s fucking dark.
(1:04:52 PM) Anterior Motive: can i post this in my blog?
(1:04:57 PM) Gesus: he’d spend his last hours vomiting up the organs of his dead relatives
(1:04:58 PM) Gesus: yes
(1:05:00 PM) Gesus: change my name to
(1:05:03 PM) Gesus: [humorous reference removed]
(1:05:05 PM) Anterior Motive: hahahahaha
(1:05:11 PM) Anterior Motive: i was going to make you G, actually
(1:05:15 PM) Anterior Motive: everyone else is just a letter
(1:05:18 PM) Gesus: THAT IS SO OBSCURE
(1:05:19 PM) Anterior Motive: unless i’m fucking them
(1:05:23 PM) Gesus: NOBODY WILL EVER GUESS WHO IT IS
(1:05:26 PM) Anterior Motive: well
(1:05:46 PM) Anterior Motive: the point is more to make things just vague enough that nobody who stumbled across it would immediately identify it as mine
(1:05:53 PM) Gesus: wait!
(1:05:55 PM) Gesus: Gesus
(1:05:57 PM) Gesus: make me Gesus
(1:07:05 PM) Anterior Motive: oh fine
(1:07:11 PM) Anterior Motive: but only because it’s your birthday.

Dr. Jones is off the project

You may recall that Dr. Jones and I worked closely together, and that he’d told me some time ago that he was going to be reassigned to another effort. It didn’t actually happen until today, and I’m afraid it has done absolutely nothing to improve my positively foul mood.

Text from Dr. Jones (01/22/2009 10:33AM) Free at last!

While I immediately realized that this was probably what he was talking about, I guess I got my hopes up that he might actually be talking about something else. By something else, I mean his relationship. Of course, that isn’t what he meant.

I am deeply annoyed with him for being so happy about it (although I recognize that it will be very helpful to him in alleviating his unreasonably large workload) and also deeply annoyed with him for this being the first communication that I received from him since Friday of last week.

I am trying to think of a nasty and gruesome way in which I would like him to die right now. Will update when I come up with it.

Zero to popcorn factory explosion in 2.4 seconds

Here are the other things that annoyed me yesterday prior to the double-whammy from OLB.

Saw obnoxiously sweet twitters to and from The Ex and his new ho. (Yes, I liked her when I met her, but I am jealous and don’t have to be nice about it.)
NewHo: @TheEx oh you totally knew & you didn’t tell me shame on youuuuu! 8:57 PM Jan 20th from twitterrific in reply to TheEx
TheEx: @NewHo you know my policy regarding secrets :) 9:00 PM Jan 20th from web in reply to NewHo

I don’t know what the fuck they are talking about, but to hell with both of them. At that point, I decided that I hoped they would both die in a horrific popcorn factory explosion. I went with this scenario because it is slightly more comical than gruesome, and while I am bitter, I am not exactly homicidally enraged about the whole thing.

I decided to stick with the theme when, in the meeting during which I was bombarded by OLB, I was forced to sit in a room with Dr. bitchass Jones, who constantly interrupted my glowering silence with dumb jokes at which I could not help but snicker. Few things are more annoying than being made to giggle when you’re trying to be in a bad mood. Popcorn factory explosion for him, too, then.

It was also very cold and I have had constipation-related bloating all week, which never makes a girl feel like her sassy and gorgeous self.

In addition to all that, one of The Ex’s friends has been email-flirting at me (he is one of the Facebook flirters mentioned in a previous post), and it makes me feel somewhat awkward. He’s very nicely muscled, but somewhat effeminate and fussy, and I also just feel weird about the fact that he and The Ex are still hanging out regularly. I am thinking about Having Things To Do With him just as a way of lashing out at The Ex for the possibility that his dog (formerly our dog) might like the New Ho better than she liked me, but that might be completely ineffective given that The Ex seems to have moved right the fuck along. Also, I don’t think his dog would have much of a reaction.  I’ll probably post more about The Ex’s friend later, after I come up with a glib nickname for him.

What the hell is wrong with me?

The gist:

• Dramatic discussions with Dr. Jones lead to inconsiderate text-message cancellation of OLB date. (OLB possesses a shit-eating grin that annoys me, though he is a total freak and I now have some regrets as I wonder how to repair that situation for future potential. Honestly, the guy is a douche. A muscly-ripped douche with zero body fat, but a douche nevertheless.)
• Talks break down with Dr. Jones. I think his (not ex!) girlfriend’s daughter was fucking with him or something, or possibly just connectivity issues.
• I get bored and frustrated with perceived lack of progress and head out for J’s- just as Dr. J comes back online. I tell him I’ll be back in a couple of hours..
• Head to J’s, see BC. Daaaaamn, he looks good. Have a couple of glasses of wine and head back home.
• On the way home, text BC to let him know that he looks delicious and that I hope he has a great time on vacation.
• Invite BC over to “help me pack”.
• Since they have the same build, I attempt to pretend that BC is, in fact, Dr. J. It just doesn’t work.
• Up until 2:30-ish due to various activities. Sigh, the chemistry is just not right. We’re not just on different pages, we’re reading different books. His is probably a book about football statistics or something. I am getting tangled up in this metaphor. I’ll move on.
• Still haven’t packed anything but my gun and my liquor, but isn’t that what vacation is really about?

Dr. J gets very jealous of my various escapades. Not sure whether/how I’ll present this one to him. Going on vacation this afternoon for the long weekend. Will attempt to post about Wednesday’s non-date debacle once I get moving this morning.

I am a crazy person

I have been psychotexting at Dr. Jones again. He makes me insane.

Anterior Motive (01/09 7:46PM): Question for you.
Dr. Jones (01/09 8:00PM): Yes
Anterior Motive (01/09 8:01PM): Are you single now?
Dr. Jones (01/09 8:02PM): Why?
Anterior Motive (01/09 8:03PM): Because if you are I have no idea why we aren’t fucking.
Dr. Jones (01/09 8:05PM): You’re drinking, aren’t you
Anterior Motive (01/09 8:06PM): Actually, I’m not.
Dr. Jones (01/09 8:07PM): Besides you don’t want what I have right now…Thought i was going to die yesterday
Dr. Jones (01/09 8:08PM): What happened to beer can
Anterior Motive (01/09 8:22PM): Of course I want it. I always want what you have- all the time. I just got tired of humiliating myself begging you for it all the time.
Dr Jones (01/09 8:29PM): Really, i thought i pissed you off. You never humiliated yourself to me
Anterior Motive (01/09 8:44PM): Look, if you’re single, either just tell me to fuck off or ask me out.
Anterior Motive (01/10 12:42AM): Sigh, you have no plans to ever do either.
Anterior Motive (01/11 3:08AM): Damn you.
Dr. Jones (01/11 3:52PM): Damn me?
Anterior Motive (01/11 4:17PM): forget about it… otherwise you’re just encpuraging [sic] me.
Anterior Motive (01/11 4:18PM): Sorry for cussing you.