And we’re back

LBHF broke up with me last night, 6 days after the anniversary of our first makeout. I am pretty fucking devastated, but then I have been in the throes of a major depression and also didn’t sleep well since I kept forgetting to breathe, so who the hell knows what’s really going on here.

More to come; stay tuned for a pity party of heretofore unseen magnitude.

Oh, man

I have been in PMS hell for the past couple of weeks or so. I have a medical condition that makes me pretty irregular, so I can sometimes go months without getting my period- but then when it does show up, it’s a real doozy.

Briefly:

• Been completely ignoring all of the usual suspects except Dr. Jones, to whom I may or may not have declared my undying love in a fit of sobbing. I’ll never tell.
• Ex’s friend is seriously balls-to-the-wall hitting on me. I’m flattered but disinterested. Not sure how best to handle the situation.
• I have decided that I want Ex to die by accidentally being hit by a car being driven by his New Ho.  I am very cranky with both of them for being in love.
• I’ve pretty much quit drinking. I also started running again. It hasn’t made me any stabler, just less likely to commit embarrassing drunktexts.
• I have actively craved french fries for about a week and a half consecutively now. I’ve had them a couple of times.

Summary: I’m a huge mess. At this point, it’s impossible to take myself at all seriously.

I think I’m going to go get McDonald’s.

I am a crazy person

I have been psychotexting at Dr. Jones again. He makes me insane.

Anterior Motive (01/09 7:46PM): Question for you.
Dr. Jones (01/09 8:00PM): Yes
Anterior Motive (01/09 8:01PM): Are you single now?
Dr. Jones (01/09 8:02PM): Why?
Anterior Motive (01/09 8:03PM): Because if you are I have no idea why we aren’t fucking.
Dr. Jones (01/09 8:05PM): You’re drinking, aren’t you
Anterior Motive (01/09 8:06PM): Actually, I’m not.
Dr. Jones (01/09 8:07PM): Besides you don’t want what I have right now…Thought i was going to die yesterday
Dr. Jones (01/09 8:08PM): What happened to beer can
Anterior Motive (01/09 8:22PM): Of course I want it. I always want what you have- all the time. I just got tired of humiliating myself begging you for it all the time.
Dr Jones (01/09 8:29PM): Really, i thought i pissed you off. You never humiliated yourself to me
Anterior Motive (01/09 8:44PM): Look, if you’re single, either just tell me to fuck off or ask me out.
Anterior Motive (01/10 12:42AM): Sigh, you have no plans to ever do either.
Anterior Motive (01/11 3:08AM): Damn you.
Dr. Jones (01/11 3:52PM): Damn me?
Anterior Motive (01/11 4:17PM): forget about it… otherwise you’re just encpuraging [sic] me.
Anterior Motive (01/11 4:18PM): Sorry for cussing you.

Dr. Jones update

Guess who called in sick today? It’s a common thing with him to have anxiety attacks after arguments or disagreements with me. I texted him late last night, after our conversation.

Text from Anterior Motive (01/07/2009 11:36PM) I have chased fruitlessly after you for months. I am not a game.

This is the end?

There is an old Southern tradition of writing verbose and excessively melodramatic letters when one is upset, and leaving them unsent. Here’s the email I composed today (but have not sent) in that tradition. I guess I’ll sleep on it and decide later whether or not to actually send it.

I think it will be a good thing that you will soon be managing a different team and that our interactions will be limited. It is difficult for me to be in the same room with you right now because of the way I feel. I don’t think it I can even be your friend right now, because I know that I want more than is possible. Trying to be your friend means that I am secretly waiting for you to decide that you want the same things that I do, which is impractical and unfair. It hurts me to see your face or even to hear your voice.

I know that you don’t like to tell me things that you think will be disappointing or frustrating to me, and I’m sure this is in no small part because of the way I have reacted to such things in the past. I feel that you have been trying gently to move past this whole ordeal for some time now, and that I have stubbornly refused to gracefully accept that.

I know that you are trying to smooth things out in your personal life, and I am sorry for any complications I might have caused. Not only should I have known better than to let things reach the point they did, I actually did know better- and I just didn’t make the judgement calls I knew would be wisest.

I am sorry for all the drama and the messiness, and the periods of awkwardness as well. Nearly any contact with you, though, just makes me foolishly hopeful for something more, and I have been through that wringer over and over again these past several months.

I do miss the various things we have shared and am sure that I will continue to do so, but I really feel that the only way that I can stop being so irrational and neurotic is to cut things off with you completely. I know now that I would drop anyone else in a second just to be near you, and that is foolish and naive of me. I don’t believe that it would be possible for me to get past my unhealthy and unrealistic feelings for you without severing any remaining ties with you. I am sorry for the huge mess that I am and all the fuss I have made.

I do not expect a response to this email, but I do hope that you can understand my perspective on this.

I hope that things go well with you and that you get everything you want in life. I love you, and for the millionth time I am sorry.

We haven’t spoken since Thursday. I am avoiding eye contact with him and physically avoiding him as much as possible. I’m told that he may no longer be working directly with me as soon as this week. It seems to have helped a bit, as I have been much less obsessive than usual, but I am sad. I keep hoping that things will miraculously change. I know this is a stupid hope to have.

I am glad to know that I can actually feel deeply for someone else, and that I can be viscerally drawn to another person. I’d wondered many times in recent years whether either of these things was even possible. I am ready to move past this and get on with my life.

I am tired of wallowing in uncertainty and self-pity.

Fuck that bitch Dr. Jones

I think he has problems saying no to me. I tried to get him to go out for a drink with me and some other coworkers yesterday. He evaded and avoided and only when someone else asked him point-blank did he say he wasn’t going to go. He pulls shit like that all the time. I didn’t hear from him at all today. I am really tired of his crap, and really tired of caring about him.

I am going to keep going out with other people and hope that at least one of them will be interesting enough to help me get past this garbage. I was doing okay for most of the day today, but now I am feeling mopey and depressed. This is so damn stupid. I miss his fucking punk ass. I hate that I feel this way. I am so tired of being upset over him. He is not worth a fraction of what I’ve emoted over him. I often wish I had never met him.

Then I realize that if I hadn’t I would probably be unhappily committed to a mediocre relationship for the rest of my life. That motherfucker. I’d like to punch him in the balls to make him double over and then kick him repeatedly in the face while he’s down. Okay, no I wouldn’t. Being this neurotic is a bunch of bullshit. I would like to sucker-punch him in the gut, though.