Before The Talk with LBHF, in a state of short-lived numb acceptance, I re-activated my Match.com account. I got more than a few hits, and was working on dates with a couple of different dudes, most of whom were not up to my usual standards of hotness/smartness. I quickly realized that my judgment was questionable at best, and that I was not ready to be seeing people again yet, so I deactivated it after about three days. I told the three guys with whom I had made dates that I had just gone through a devastating breakup, was totally insane and in therapy, and that I was still nowhere near ready to be seeing anyone yet. Surprisingly, this open admission of insanity seems to have been appealing, since all three of them begged me to reconsider.
Greetings, friends, strangers, Romans, and all the rest of you bitches. I know I promised a pity party, but I spent a bit of time wallowing and realized that it would be classless and obnoxious to expose all y’all to all that mess, so I’ve been writing about it in my Journal About My Feelings instead. My sole purpose here is to entertain my now-nonexistent audience, and let’s face it- cliches like “my heart is a vise; I am feral with grief” are entertaining for all of about twelve seconds.
So, I’ll keep that shit to myself and my JAMF, and save the juicy bits for you. Now, to bring everyone up to speed.
LBHF dumped me two weeks and two days ago. We were lying on his sofa watching TV, and he said that something was on his mind. This should have set off warning bells, but it didn’t. The gist of the discussion was that he was concerned that our differences in personalities and religion (!) made us a poor match. We talked about it again a week later, and I told him that I thought our problems could be worked out, but he said he wasn’t sure and needed more time to think about it. We agreed to meet up again in a month.
That was last week, and I’ve spent the time since then in varying cycles of grief, bitterness, numbness, acceptance, and picking up dudes online. Although I do hope that things will eventually work out with LBHF, I’m not holding my breath, and I’m doing my best to make some personal progress in the meantime. Part of that is opening myself up to new options, which means…
I’m dating again. God help us all.
You can tell, because my Facebook relationship status has been updated to reflect this. If you’re rolling your eyes at that comment, you’re not alone. I’m pretty sheepish about it myself.
Unfortunately, all this has meant that I’ve had to give the Easy Letdown to everyone else. I’m pretty sure I just took care of the last one. I actually hate doing that, because I don’t like being an asshole to people when it’s completely undeserved, and there’s always a feeling of rejection when someone says she prefers the company of others to your exclusive company. Okay, so it doesn’t quite fit, but once I started typing the lyric popped into my head and that was the only way to expel it.
I approach such things with honesty and directness and they tend to go over pretty well, but I still hate turning people down. As much of a bitch as I am, you’d think I’d derive some kind of joy from crushing the souls of hapless men, but I really don’t.
I’m happy about the upgrade, but I’m now working through my own personal terrors about commitment and relationships. So far, I’ve mostly just hyperventilated a lot. Maybe I’m not ready. Am I ready? I think I might be. I don’t know.
The Ex is still not really talking to me. I saw him this weekend, when we exchanged some things (he gave me some paperwork and I gave him my key to the loft). He’s going through some shit right now, and I don’t take it personally.
Dr. Jones is also not talking to me. Fuck that guy.
OLB hasn’t popped back up since I ignored his last “goodmorning beautiful xoxo”. Good riddance to him and his freakish full-body stubble.
Mr. Grownup Date is working as much as I am, and we’ve had a hard time coordinating with one another. Now I’m dreading telling him that I don’t want to see him after all.
There’s also some other dude from matchdotcom that’s been emailing me lately, but he seems like kind of a douche. Still not looking forward to telling him to fuck off. He asked if I wanted to get together for a drink, and I haven’t responded.
Ex’s effeminate friend and I were supposed to get together for drinks last week, but I was sick and neither of us emailed or called the other to cancel. He ignores me on forums like Twitter, Facebook, and his blog, but emails intimately- I’m annoyed at this game.
Unusually Tall Indian Guy made a mix CD for me and hinted that he’d like to go out on a date with me, but didn’t actually ask. He also said that I seem tense lately, which caused me to worry for a bit about whether or not I actually am tense, until I recognized the irony of the situation.
Saw Satanist Waiter out with LBHF. It was less awkward than I thought it might be, though it was still a little awkward. He smirked at us.
AFF Waiter texted a couple of weeks ago to solicit me for a FMF threesome. I didn’t respond and haven’t heard back from him.
Abrasive Dude With Whom I Once Worked has been Facebook-messaging me in the middle of the night in attempts to get me to go drink with him. He’s pretty attractive and I’d probably be interested if my attentions weren’t otherwise occupied. A little sad about this one, but I’d feel guilty if I pursued it, I think.
No one else comes to mind- I think this is the full rundown.
Things have been going really well with LBHF. I was apprehensive about the whole thing to begin with, but I’ve moved past a lot of my initial anxieties. I have discussed the sitch with both of my brothers, and they both seem okay with it.
At first, there was a bit of a struggle to maintain my me-time, because even though I enjoy his company I also need time to myself, and any time is at a premium right now due to the utter insanity of my workload. I frequently turned him down when he invited me to do things with him, because I didn’t want to risk overexposure. However, I now find that I have to keep myself in check, because I want to spend most of my time with him as well. A positive in this situation is that his work takes him out of town frequently. He is in Pennsylvania this week and will be in North Carolina next week, returning between trips for the weekend. I can’t wait to see him again.
At this point, I feel that I should undertake the Easy Letdown for the other people I’d been seeing. I don’t relish the prospect of having to do this, because for one thing it’s awkward, and for another it officializes, to a certain degree, a certain level of commitment. I just don’t know if I’m ready for that. He and I have discussed it, and he is okay with my continuing to want to proceed slowly in that regard.
He is an absolute delight and just plumb full of surprises. It makes me smile to think of him. He possesses pretty much all of the positive qualities of everyone that has interested me in the past several months. It’s not him about which I am reluctant- it’s just my own issues, through which I need to work on my own. I’m getting there.
Updates on some others coming shortly in a separate post.
