Dossiers – The Usual Suspects

Current Dude(s):
That One Dude – I met him at my bar. We had drunk sex. At the time of writing, author has no idea whether anything further will occur with That One Dude but is not averse to making out again since he’s pretty cute and nerdy and also too young.

Abrasive Dude With Whom I Once Worked – okay, so it doesn’t really roll off the tongue, but it’s a fairly accurate descriptor. I’m kind of on the fence because he’s balding and has gained a bit of weight, but when we made out it was actually really hot, so I’m willing to give it a go. Also, a through-the-clothing grope suggests significant endowment.

My Future Husband – Well, if I’m going to marry him, that should tell you a little by itself. This man is gorgeous. I have known him since I kicked his ass in the spelling bee when I was in 5th grade. We were friends through high school as well. He has the most lickable body of any human alive, and his penis is huge, and he is amazing.

Dudes of the Past:
Mr. Hickory – Really great guy. Smart, interesting, respectful. He didn’t put out, though, and eventually I guess we sort of lost interest in one another. I harbor no ill will towards Mr. Hickory.

My Little Brother’s Former Boarding School Roommate – Yeeeeeah… This was a mistake. He was fun at first but then eventually got really demanding and pushy and liked to make fusses in public. Mostly what he fussed about was my refusal to be his girlfriend.

PYT – Pretty Young Thing. He is a waiter at my usual spot, the bar that I frequent. He is now 22 and I don’t really remember what all the fuss was about because who needs to deal with that shit anyway.

My Evil Twin – Found this guy saying hilarious stuff on Google Buzz and proceeded to stalk him to Twitter. We have almost exactly the same personality. He loves me, but I do not find myself attracted to him. Le sigh.

Handsome Stranger – I picked this dude up at a bar with the line, “would the handsome stranger like to do a shot with me?” Totally smooth. We had drunken sex one night and I have some regrets.

The Physicist – Brother of one of the waitresses at my favorite bar. He does physics. He is kind of an ass and I don’t really like him very much as a human being.

The Buff Bengali – We went to college together. He is Bengali, and buff. I ran into him a couple of times at my favorite bar. He is also kind of an ass.

Dr. Jones – He’s a former coworker. We used to work very closely together. For awhile there, it was an on-and-off dating scenario, then it was limited to internet chat and text messaging from about early November 2008 until mid-February 2009. We haven’t spoken lately.

Twitterdude – randomly followed me on Twitter. He sounds short, but his photos are aitch oh tee. We flirted intermittently for over a year, but had difficulty in making and keeping a date to actually meet each other. Oh well.

LBHF – My little brother’s hot friend. Young, ambitious, well-traveled, gorgeous. We dated for awhile, broke up when he called me “Tiffany” during sex, then got back together for a year until just short of one week after the first anniversary of the first makeout. I hope that he never again knows the touch of another human being and catches on fire while acid burns away his genitals and he is hurtled off the face of the planet to implode insignificantly in the vacuum of space.

The Ex – We were together for six years (engaged, even!), until I broke up with him and started this blog. We’re semi-friendly now, and he is in love with a chubby girl in law school. Good for them both. Seriously.

BC/Coworker’s Roommate – aka “Beercan”. So named because his penis has about the same girth as a beer can. Total waste, because he was really attractive, but the sex was reliably disappointing. He’s very nice, but in no danger of being called brilliant. He has a girlfriend now, so we stopped seeing each other. (By “seeing each other”, I mean “fucking”.)

AFF Waiter – Seemed great when we met, and I actually had high hopes for this one. Unfortunately, he seems to have premature erectile issues, so this bridge was burnt with few regrets. He failed meet minimum height requirements, but was given an exception. I think I’ve learned my lesson about exceptions.

OLB – The Opera-Loving Bodybuilder. Met him on AFF, dumped him over text message. He is sorta-bisexual (which means that he has no qualms about sucking cock as long as he doesn’t have to kiss the dude to whom it is attached). He shaves his entire body. He has a really, really stupid face that makes me roll my eyes and say “UGH” loudly whenever I think of it. He got clingy.

See also: this post for the rundown of my past sexual partners. I only count the ones with whom there was vaginal penetration by a penis.

My Accomplices:

SMG – Male. I have known and loved SMG for about 10 years. We used to work together. A girl could not ask for a better partner in crime. We live in the same apartment complex, have a standing Tuesday night date, and share the exact same taste in men. I haven’t decided what “SMG” ostensibly represents, I just like that it’s a TLA for a gun (submachinegun) and that it’s also the TLA for Sarah Michelle Gellar.

G, AKA BFG, AKA Gesus – Male. I have loved him (platonically) since the day we met. He is as quirky as I am and on nearly the same wavelength. This is particularly interesting because ours is a very strange wavelength. Supremely awesome. (Note: “BFG” stands for “Best Friend G”, although I admit that I do think of him as my “big gun” from time to time as well.)

C – Female. Former coworker from my last real job, and the only one with whom I’ve really kept up since. She is wilder than most people will ever know. Supremely awesome.

S – Female. My boss and drinking buddy. Although she once seemed to live vicariously through me, she has since gotten herself out and about to have her own bizarre adventures. Supremely awesome.

K – Female. Dear friend of mine for many years. Met her when she started dating a friend of mine, who is now her husband. Supremely awesome.

KC – Female. Coworker. Frequent drinking buddy. She sits on the other side of a cubicle wall from me. KC is always up for a good time.

E – Female. Coworker. Self-avowed cat lady. Met her in the smoking area and we became fast friends. She lives on the other side of town, so I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like.

Comment if I left anyone out or if a new description should be left here, and I’ll try to help keep things straight.

Last updated: 08/07/2010